note to self.

It was a good day today.  My nephew Raphael & closest friend (AKA Raphael's mom) celebrated their birthdays today.  Can you imagine a mother and child sharing a birthday.  So cool.  We had family dinner together.  The beauty of being in the moment made me appreciate the simplicity and beauty of what really matters.  I appreciate my mom and dad so much...as well as my two siblings.  Yes, today was a good day.

I felt a bit put down today.  Nobody's fault but my own really.  Thought I would get to see J&S during the weekend but apparently, I'd have to wait another weekend to see them.  The former will be playing golf with his dad, while the latter will be in HK with her grandparents.

It makes me think about how clear everything is now.  And knowing what I know now, I realise I wouldn't change anything.  Except maybe that I had been less afraid to visit J&S more because I was traumatized to go to their home.  Which was me assuming all the wrong things and being too afraid.  I will spend my lifetime making this up to them.  Thankfully, I was blessed with 2 of the kindest children in the galaxy.

Something someone said to me a few days ago made me think of 'the way we were.'  'We' being me & my ex.  People always said we loved each other a lot.  I think about this and qualify the statement.  They were right.  We did.  But maybe we never saw life with the same eyes.  I realised when it ended that love is not enough.  Because the one thing we had was love for each other.  It was never about security or financial gain.  It was actually very memorable for me to have reacted to someone in that way because I've never felt it again.  I can only presume to know what his views were but  I remember when an ex-gf of his got in touch with me.  She said to me that his chief complaint was that he and I didn't really talk.  He was right.  I don't think we communicated well.  I will never know why that is.  Youth?  Pride?  Immaturity?  Incompatibility?  I can only encapsulate my faults into this-- it was borne out of my selfishness.  I mean sure the marriage wasn't perfect but what marriage was?  I just saw what I wanted to see.  And in the last 6 something years, I have learned so much about relationships.  It made me appreciate the good ones I saw and be thankful that I wasn't in the many bad ones that came my way.  As the viewing public, I learned to tread with care.

Maybe I wasn't a relationship person in the last 6 years.  I might say I was trying to learn from the experience of a broken marriage.  But I think I'm just about ready to be again.  Leave my mistakes in the past and if given the chance, apologize for it to the people I've wronged.  I'm moving on to better things.  And the better part of me sees how much better I am and how much more I wanna be... for my children, for my family, for myself. 

I am going to micromanage myself.  I will take it a day at a time.  And I will succeed.