Being a proponent of the benefit of the doubt mindset and all things gestalt 7 Loves in 21 Letters captures, in my and Rob's belief, all the prospects that tug at your very core in a lifetime. Maybe I am way over my head but I truly believe despite all deplorable modern practices, old-fashioned romance reigns supreme, and on its highest edifice is the slimmest of the slim pickins- the race to that one love that subjects you to an indescribable dance of wild abandon. That specially blended chemistry which exist only in a union that will withstand the tests of change, challenge and a man on top of it all, someone who will make his move alongside you as you go through life's cha-cha-chas.
The other longstanding love affair I have has to do with the rudiments of human behaviour, which has yet to reach full throttle. My passion for the unknown, the inner workings of the mind and its apparent expression in everyone's thoughts, words and actions. Although I didn't know it then, my love for psychology had stemmed from youth. I had been a hapless introvert. I was too tall, too dark, and too handsome to be taken for a girl (I kid you not!). I was self-conscious of my weird looks and I had so many observations, often unshared. Because the child I had been had very adult thoughts, so my repressed ideas writ large in my lost journals. Probably burned and possibly even recycled. That is what puts forth THE rationale for this entry.
Fast forward to HoLU Week 2009 (aptly called as we were in La Union when all this transpired)... over laughter, banter and Happy Horse sightings (my first!), Rob gives me the lowdown on the seven types of relationships that happen to an individual in a lifetime by way of 7 acronyms and 21 letters. Happy to have been there to investigate!
** BFO [aka The Best Friend ONLY]
The BFO is the unadulterated platonic non-wildcard. Your best friend from the opposite sex. Of course, at some point, one or both of you thought that you liked the other- you had that fleeting concept in your head for a while, which was one thing, but crossing it had been a different thing altogether. There comes a point in someone's life that they look at their best friend and say to themselves, "Why the hell not?" But nothing is ever easy because the thinking never quite transmits to doing and is relegated to the back of your mind with your other insipid what-ifs. And from there it never quite transcends and stays put. But in a good way.
You can do anything wild on a wild night with your BFO and he will be your good old trusty companion who will quite simply, leave you be. You can have shot upon shot upon shot and even do jello shots and duuuuuurtydance the night away with this fella and at the night's end, you can be sure that all he'll do is kiss you in that safe way as he brings you to your doorstep and makes sure you're home safe.
Your BFO is that one member of the opposite sex that you count on to be your insta-date to a movie, party and any social function where you will require a plus one (AKA you are single and dateless. Or both.) He is the guy you run to when you have some minor crisis over a guy...the same guy who runs over to your house and takes you to his watering hole and buys you unlimited drinks when the crisis guy breaks your heart (and he usually picks up the tab!) In some foolish dreamland where murder is commonplace, your BFO will actually run over crisis guy-of-the-moment. Aatrasan pa niya!
BFO will root for you when you have a major upheaval in your life and he will share your joys when you transition from the good life to better living. He will share your celebrations and will wipe your tears away. The BFO is your perfect partner-in-crime in the absence of a love crime. You're not in love but you love this guy.
You and he make a bar entrance together yet he will assume the position of your unpaid bodyguard. He will watch you like a hawk from a distance so the cute dudes 'round the bar will unabashedly come over and say hi. He doesn't pounce because he knows exactly when to sit back and girl-watch & when to rush over to your side and play pretend bf when you're getting more than you bargained for. BFO will read your eyelash batting accurately whilst aware that your flirt power is working overtime on a hot prospect. He gets your invisible thumbs up and simultaneous signaling that means, "Don't you dare stunt my flirting style."
Your BFO is your bro. He will be entangled in your life yet never complicate it. You have no romantic feelings for the guy who clues you in and just tells it like it is ... and why? Because that's just the way it was meant to be.
You never choose what you feel and who you feel it for. YOU only know one thing, that your Best Friend Only was fatalistically programmed to be the one guy in your life who you will never ever end up with.
-.-.-.
** OWS [aka The One-Way Street]
Your OWS is your unrequited love. (Or rather 'the twat that spat in your face when he didn't see how fantabulous you were.') You'll pro'ly have a couple of these blokes in a lifetime. He could have be anyone of a slew of guys you had liked and shared a modicum of friendship with , but, ah... the complexities follow suit. With your One Way Street, it is complicated in the sense that you know he's the dude you know you want, but he also knows you're the gal he doesn't. (Ouch.) Definitely not your tit for his tat kinda guy.
Despite the awareness that you are fascinating, he simply refuses to go further into your pastures to explore what is quite obvious to your adoring fanbase. That he is friends with one truly amazing gal.
I think the One-Way Street could actually be the one-sided BFO in reverse. Only YOU are the BFO and bloody hell, you're quite unhappy with that, because you secretly want it to be more. And why the F not??? In the deep recesses of your brain, he is what your unread poetry is made of. He is the guy you think of when you watch those rom-coms. Yet in your dreams, you are smart enough to trip and wake up wondering if today was the the day he'd say, "Let's be more than friends." Ahh...the OWS is the one that keeps you a-guessing.
Of course, hindsight realisations are the best. But in that heart-wrenching OWS moment it would be a minor pain in the ass. To put it more clearly, my OWS happened to me in school. The mis-education that was appended to routine classroom education. He and I got along and he's cool. Score extra points for me cause he thought I was cool as hell. You meet him, he meets you. But now comes the vital chunk that made Mr. Adorable seek me out. He was crushing on a good friend of mine. (Hey personally, I thought I was cuter. lol) But it doesn't matter in the end. You didn't need validation from your peers...you needed just one from your OWS. I remember he and I would call each other often. The two of us would go for coffee breaks and while I was all about the stomach butterflies who were the recipients of caffeine, he didn't seem to have problems with his. In fact, he didn't seem to have his butterflies. He is always pleasant and thankful for the talks when he endlessly pores over information about my friend whom he likes. It was pointedly saying meeting up was just that. We were hanging out with a purpose to score (with another gal). So I become the hanging out kinda gal with the butterflies in the stomach, and now and then I would secondguess his feelings. Especially when he tells me right out that he and I had tons in common. And the most innocent insinuations made me think and re-think impossibilities. You think you've made a move forward, but he starts bringing her up again and you're five steps back. Such is reality. With the OWS comes that wink of uncertainty, mostly followed by a slew of questions that you can't seem to ask outright...because you know he's not into you. At all. And asking might risk an onslaught of awkwardness.
Remember that being on the non-receiving end of things is actually a trait that teaches you that you don't always get what you want. And with good reason.
Besides, what's so bad about being on a One-Way Street? Nothing, that's what. Nothing bad about being that 'very cool gal who he had coffee with.'
Methinks being an OWS ultimately leads the OWS to conclude (if she is of rational mind) that there is a better suited dude who will take her and love her, strengths, foibles and all.
-.-.-.-
** ONS: The One Night Stand.
If your life were a romance novel, the ONS would be that amazingly hot rogue who gets killed off in Chapter Eight.
The One Night Stand comes into your life at a time of uncertainty and weakness, coupled with a lot of heaving horniness (yours and his!!!). He will eradicate the last bits of el sentido común momentarily and simply wow you off your feet. And, you will be entranced in the spell. Because it will be potent although short-lived.
An ONS happens when you're in need of a distraction from something old. Because the ONS is something new offering something borrowed-- short time to amuse (confuse?). And the rule is simple- no promises, no commitment. Easy right??? He will keep you feeling nonblue.
You may or may not be in a relationship when the ONS comes to you. Point is you're desperately wanting to break the monotony of your so-called life. (Uhm... and if I may uhmmm digress, should you be in a good and steady relationship, and just grab onto a hot piece of ONS Special just cause...then personally I think you're scum. But that's just me.)
Obviously, the One Night Stand is the popular choice on the list. The popular darkhorse. Remember, not all that's popular make for good choices. They're just easier to attain and hardly require any thinking. We all deal with our issues differently.
Some people walk around the mall.
Some people run in the gym.
Some people sit in a cafe and people-watch.
Some people see friends to chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Some people give massages.
Some people get massages. Most people have aimless, mind-blowing sex.
There are so many reasons to have the ONS.
The FUN factor for starters. And I think when people smell fear and decide not to deal, then they opt for fun. Simpler that way. The ONS is the perfect option for someone who's just gotten out of a major heartbreak and in need of someone to swing her groove back to center stage. Also, cool if you're single by choice and don't want/need the hassle of a relationship for the moment and just wanted a horny goat to grab on to a helluva horny night for some horny spooning. (hey it happens...). It may also be that circumstances are difficult in your current relationship and you need something to veer away the sadness you're feeling. (I would personally offer that it's a bad but valid excuse for weaklings.) And of course, there is the plaintive fact that a huge percentage of the world population are just into casual sex.
Special mention goes to people infected with the PPS (Peter Pan Syndrome), people who will choose the easy route and would rather take it steady forever than pick the challenges that come with the responsibility that comes with a proper relationship. Suss 'em- they're the sorryasses in the bunch.
Whatever your case may be, the ONS temporarily breaks the ordinary and makes an extraordinary individual out of you. The spell is potent yet quite a temporary diversion. Extraordinary sex does not an extraordinary relationship make. When the morning comes, you realise the borrowed time with someone is done.
I reckon it's Limbo Central where there will always be people queuing on this station and they will always be in stout supply. Some people opt to stay and never leave. And some people step down once and decide it's not for them, then they move on, knowing the experience and taking if for what it is. I mean, how fun is it to bang a different nameless guy every night before it hits you that it is a WASTE of your time?
Oh, a noteworthy tip is the fact that when you are drunk, Horny Avenue widens. So in actual fact, it is worth exploring, as all the alcohol helps bring you a level up in the game. It's open 24/7... and an eye-contact, a text message or a call away may be enough to seal the deal. Ring-a-friend 'round the bend's what they'd always say. You get to the drunken point that the alcohol in your hand will spot you and find you the man who's easy access and comes with an expiry date. Mr Good Night-and-Go. Because if you're honest with yourself you don't care & it don't matter-anyway...
You will need a touch and he will offer it. He will show you a good time, give you a taste of the wild side. You will never need to sort him out and he will never wish that laborious task to befall you. He is, as I've said, the most uncomplicated guy you can meet. He will be up for anything fun and will not be there when push comes to shove, as all he's supposed to be good for is some 24/7 spankin' (so less talk is better)!!! But one thing he rarely becomes is the stuff love is made of.
Simply put, the ONS may be one of the many fun memories that will make you laugh out loud as you sip your tea on a beautiful mid-afternoon when you become old and grey.
-.-.-.-.-.-
** ITM: The In-The-Meantime Guy.
So let's talk about the the first of the four, the ITM.
More than alluding to a Space Hog one hit wonder, In The Meantime is a sensitive category. The ITMs are tricky little suckers. Your In-The-Meantime guy comes to you with a reason, for a season and a purpose.
The ITM comes with a "consume before" date...very telling isn't it? It is one of the uncertainties that you swandive into because, simply put, you fall in love. There is nothing complicated about it. Your ITM comes to mean something to you. You both know it will end at some point, but in the meantime... is not a bad option especially if both of you are good together.(FYI knowing beforehand that the romance is doomed ala Romeo & Julia does not and will not soften the blow.)
You love each other and you have to go. (Call it the OFW* special.) He loves you but he has to stay put. So in the meantime you give it a go and in the back of your mind, you secretly hope reality holds off jolting you back... at least not immediately. The point is, you share something beautiful that for awhile you think it might be a good thing that can be kept going. Wait and see.
Because you're not the little girl you used to be and you've seen your share of men, you kind of realise, "Hey this is it!" So the realisation of being the ITM type will be a minor heart-assassination. Minor means in time you and Mr. ITM will end up in a steady place, walking a steadier pace-- when you can talk & laugh & become great friends. But hey, the initial stirrings of being an "In The Meantime Gal" will of course hurt. It never really hits you that you were just a girl, because femmes in their deluded minds always want to think they're the girl. But then love I reckon can mean a different thing to men. And I guess that's why the ITM risk once taken can be a bit of a pill. A bitter pill which you must still swallow at the very end.
For your benefit though, delve into its aftershocks with utmost honesty. If you think back into the duration of the In The Meantime experience, your instincts told you "This will hurt." Loud & clear & reverberating in the back of your psyche (Yep! that part you were kind of ignoring for a while...that very one.). But you went into it full-on heart and empty-headed anyway. Sigh. Had you trusted your instincts more and went into it full-on head and half-hearted, you would have dismissed it as 'one of those things.' Still in all, you don't regret and are thankful for the experience. Because it made you start doubting. Realise that it is in this stage of doubting that you ask questions...and in the end it is these questions, when answered, these same questions that make you see that the season, although lightning quick, was absolutely necessary for shaping you into who you are.
Whatever the reason, for however long the season, the In The Meantime guy does go...and his going does hurt. And more than anyone else on the list, the ITM leaves you with a trail of questions... and in typical guy fashion he leaves all the answering to YOU. Which is why it results to more hurt initially till you get your bearings back now as on official grown up in the Relationship World. If you open up, take in the pain and reflect on each of these questions, you will find they are the BIG questions that will bring you closer to the end of the list. Remember we all play the fool at some point...and I promise you, you do grow from the experience.
-.-.-
** PUG- The Parallel Universe Guy
Ahhh...the PUG is one that needs a lot of elaboration sans the word mincing. [As a small tribute to all PUGs out there.]Your PUG is like everyone else on the list, a guy who has seen you through the fun, laughter and the la-dee-dahs of your life.
BUT... there is a singular difference about the PUG. Unlike everyone else on the list, you & your PUG, from the get-go, have shared a very, very strong and solid connection. There was an attraction, but alas, it stops before it even had a chance to start. Call it a soul twin or a soulmate- call it what you will. He is the one you never had a chance at a proper relationship with.
Funny fact about PUGs, had you taken that chance at each other, the possibility of it working out are excellent. Out of a 100, maybe 95-5- FOR!!!
You will always think of your PUG with fondness and have nothing but beautiful memories with him. He will make you laugh out loud and always make an effort to listen and make you happy...but he will listen to. Your PUG gets you. Sometimes, one look at you and he will know the entire story. Apparently, you 2 are wired to each other and your mental broadband's belong to same stock batch, you and PUG come from the same warehouse and are about a number apart from being identical. How attuned to each other you are is in actual fact part of the game.
When you're on your nth drink and stortytelling with gal pals on a sentimental night, he will be the real knight in the shining armour. Kind of the real best man- in the true sense of the word. Except that he will be the literal best man in your life. Your PUG is the one who you should have fallen in love with, and you clearly regret the wrong choice now because this mistake cost you big-time. You clearly had a lapse in judgement and instead of the PUG, you chose Bruno the bulldog.
Why not though? Because he could be Bruno's (now your ex-bulldog) staunch connection. He could be your ciccia's boyfriend. Whatever the connection is and however strong it is for you and your PUG... one thing is solidly certain, he and you were never meant to have a happy ever after.
-.-.-.
**TOGA: The One that Got Away.
Realistically speaking, TOGA is the converse runner up on your lovelist. He had the wits and the wowoweee to make the cut-- had you not been blindsided by your own issues and seen it coming. He would have been "the One" had you had the sense to spot a good guy.
The TOGA would have been 'the one' but you didn't see it- not right away. What you did live to see was the day you regretted the temporary albeit crucial blindness. No one was born perfect for you, but your TOGA came close.
You & TOGA were happy, but you argued also. You loved him but some of the time, you hated him as well. Usually, this is the relationship you've had with that one person but circumstances prevented you from togetherness foreverness!!! Having said that, you do have that regret reduced to a dull ache when you do come to.
TOGAs are pretty hard to come by, in this day and age especially. When you lose your TOGA, you definitely don't lose the lesson. Once they're lost, they're a lost cause forever. You most probably lose your TOGA to one who saw the rare gem and claimed him rightfully hers. So with this factoid and that wonderful emotion called regret, your TOGA takes time getting over. You don't really ever forget the life-changing mistake you let pass.
I suppose when the TOGA realisation hits you in the middle of your afternoon coffee, you feel the pang and the pain so deathly slow that it is a physical blow.
That one guy who was as all out with you...that guy who had wanted to give you the security of a relationship and was ever-ready to take it to the next level...that guy who told you his feelings and made you feel that you were the only one for him...that very straightforward guy who stared piercingly into your eyes as you two spoke about the many unfavourable things that has happened in both your lives...that guy who held you close as you wept unabashedly when problems just started sprouting out of every corner of your bi Atch of a life...that one guy who willingly listened and left no stone unturned just to be sure you were fine before he dropped you off.
He gave his all as did you, but for some reason, you quit trying. Maybe it was panic, maybe it was fear, maybe don't really matter now. You wanted to be safe. You didn't want to be too attached. So you bail and leave him hanging. There was that one guy...yes, that guy...he was The One that Got Away...and he's not coming back. You're safe in your loneliness, but you're one very sorry a** as well.
In the end, it takes a Herculean effort, but you get over it. You find yourself comparing everyone that comes after your TOGA to him. He becomes the major benchmark of your kind of guy, along with the minor contributions of the +/- of your ITMs & PUGs, amongst other romantic connections you've made in your lifetime. He will probably be the bar you set other potential dudes against- BUT! Allow me to be the 1st to say, "DON'T!!!" Your TOGA and your potential guy are not to be pitted against each other. It is the singular fact that will stunt you from happiness. Your TOGA was but a memory, this current one is your chance to correct the TOGA mistake. Your second lease on love was never meant to fill the emptiness left by someone else.
What losing your TOGA should teach you is that you had been wrong in the past and in the same breath, it teaches you to risk a bit more this time around so that you don't overlook the next amazing guy that comes along. And chances are, if you open up a little more and go into the commitment with the right mindset, you may find that he may just be the individual who makes all those regrettables fade and fill you with the happiness of being in a relationship with the ultimate-- your TL.
-.-.-.-
**TL - True Love.
There is nothing more beautiful than the final frontier. The chock-full of sh** you went through finally finds peace and clarity when your True Love comes.
The beauty of the 6 categories on this list is that it prepares you and arms you with PK (prior knowledge) which, if you have enough good sense, you will use to your full advantage to ensure a happy ever after with your true love.
So you've found him, your TL. The True Love of your life.
He is the guy who will want to spend your life with you, the one you iron out all the kinks and will not sleep till you both have white flags and are on the same page about everything. Big or small, what matters is you are both able to talk things through. You will fight and argue and shout and do the not-so-nice things your whole life with your TL.
He and you will never give up and will strive to give way and learn the magic of COMPROMISE- the hard way.
Your True Love is 'the one.' He will be a source of unending happiness and security.
Whatever your faith or lack thereof, your True Love will stand the test of the trying tests of love, life and the lot...with you in tow.
Two to tango. Two to move. To the end, which is not a happy ending as TRUL LOVE has no ending...
-.-.-.
[Voilà c'est fini]
No comments:
Post a Comment