Today was the first time I spent the day with Jake & Sam that I felt they were as at ease with me as I was with them. This is an important milestone for any parent who's hoping for that slim opening. At this point, only an Oscar Wilde quotable would suffice- “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them." I picked them up from their house & lo and behold- they both seemed happy to see mommy (that's me!). I brought them to their Kumon class. I just finished working out at 9:40 with my trainor and didn't even have the chance to shower. But Sam sent me a text that I needed to rush to pick them up. Traffic wasn't bad and in 25 minutes, I was in front of their home. Can I just say that I never get tired of the overwhelming feeling that comes over me at the sight of my kids. The mere sight of them makes me smile...smile and smile. I just float to them and hug them to pieces. I never get used to the "what did I do to deserve you two" feeling that overcomes me. My children are so unconditional and such great kids. It didn't start out that way when I first saw them in December and I did feel initially that they were very guarded towards me. But that they were trying to get to know me. I felt the disconnection albeit I see the obvious effort. This was December.
Today was different.
They have become so open to me about their feelings, all apprehensions notwithstanding are gone, gone gone. Notably Jake. He's very honest and grown up. Totally belying all the naughtiness of a 10-year old. We were driving home from our "Mars Needs Moms" date when he said, "Mom, can I ask you a question?" And I said what I always say to my kids (nobody else has that luxury!). "Of course." I never lie to the people who matter. And I will never lie to my kids. Then came the question, "Mom, why did you and my dad 'divorce?' Sam was seated quietly in the back, possibly lost in her thoughts. I was taken aback by the question but I know Jake has this tendency to be frank. I felt that this was something that had been lingering in his mind for quite awhile. And I told him that their dad and I were very different individuals, and that we disagreed on a lot of things. And that sometimes when adults disagreed so much, it was more peaceful that when they went different ways. I explained that we had been young and that I hadn't been very patient with their dad. I admitted that if I had been more patient maybe his dad and I would be better friends. Then I told him that they had a dad who loved them and that he was a good person and just because we separated it meant they were different from our children. I reassured them that they were loved. Then Jake said that he still didn't understand it fully but it seems that his dad and I loved each other a lot once upon a time. It made me sit up from my driving stance when he shared to me that he remembered how whenever we would fight we would ask him to go out of the room and he would listen outside the door.
Then I told them a truth I don't normally tell people: That I could have been a better wife. (If you can't be honest with your kids, then who else can you be honest with.) That their dad had been the great love of my life and that although it didn't last, it wasn't something I would ever forget. It's true. And then I shared with them an important lesson in love. I told them to be on the lookout for the kind of love that I felt for their dad. The kind of love that you didn't find with just anyone or anywhere. Not the kind you find often but you know that you should take care of it and nurture it because love can be about hatred and disagreeing, but it's about patience and understanding too.
At 10, Jake says such wise things. He remembers so much. I never knew that about him because he is such a goofball. It's funny what kids remember. And I think it's high time we made happy memories together. And he said he even asked his dad about the divorce and he didn't wanna talk abt it. Thinking back I feel terrible that my son carried all these memories for a number of years when I could have been there for him, to talk to him about it. I don't think I can ever disappear and break their hearts again. Especially my son. After what we spoke about last night, I dont think I can ever do that to him and his sister again.
I really have the wittiest & funniest kids in town. Both of them evaded their dad's stern grilling when he asked them about dinner. We had a late lunch at around 1:30 and had so much junk food while watching "Mars Needs Moms." We had fries, chips and popcorn. OMG. I'm the shameless junkfood mom! I cant explain what being with my children feels like- it's the best kind of love I've given and felt. I feel so blessed and honored to have them back in my life. When I left them at around MN, they both urged me to sleep over. A part of me kind of wanted to, but I'm afraid of wanting to be with them too much. I feel very very close to them now & there is nothing I pray & wish for than to be ever present in their lives. It feels like the best kind of love there is. I am so in love with my kids. They are what I've longed for all these years. I am so happy to have them both back! :D
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