I spent the day with my children today and my head is in the clouds.
It was quite a milestone stepping into the house where I used to lived with them and their dad's side of the family. (You will note in my earlier posts that I had Pioneer-phobia stemming from more than six years ago.) Their lola has said to me time and again that I was always welcome to visit the children there, but it took me quite some time to be ready. So my usual response this afternoon to the invite was to say no again till I realised that the sooner I get into that house, the quicker I'd conquer my fears about my past.
A lot of things can change with the passage of time. All the anger dissipates and all the fears seem unfounded. Memories seem to have a way of holding on to you till you face them and make a new memory. One that will be kinder to your heart. Today was a good surprise because I met up with my ex's entire family. And as I said, a lot has changed with the passage of time. And how!
I will make more of an effort to go see them. Jake is almost 11. Sam will be 12 in less than 2 months. And between the two, I know that I must try to engage Jake more. He is polite... perfectly nice but distant. But he has nothing to say to me and... understandably so. I don't want my motherhood status quo to be 'so-so.' I want to understand them as individuals, do more in their lives. I want them to know I'm there if they want or need me.
I had a conversation with a friend a fortnight ago about dating. And when I said that I didn't want to think about dating until I am comfortable with my relationship with both my children. I already lost them for half a decade and I'm lucky that we can still bond and they can still treat me with respect. This is definitely time for making amends.
All in all, my first visit went ok. I want to be close enough to them to see their dad's side of the family with ease. That's what's important- to be their mom, to enable them to know that in spite of everything, they are the dearest things to me.
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