seeing double, sensing trouble.

All of us have an alter-ego.  
A doppelgänger whether or not we care to admit.


Reckon it's part of that secret 'just in case' stash we keep of ourselves.
Very much like that last cig you never lit but keep in the shoe box atop the cabinet.
Or that vibrator that doesn't really exist. (Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.)
Or those saucy vodka memories that will never unseat the GG as your ultimate poison.
And it thrives because we will it to.  We want it to.

I repeat, we all have 2 sides.  
Our dominant side and of course, that dark horse we all duly possess (or possesses us come to that).  
That teeny-tiny facet even your staunchest friends find hard to believe exists in the very same you.
The raw you that only you're allowed to see.  


In my case, it's an inverted equation.


I've an unusually dominant larger-than-life person that beats the sh*t out of any routine.  I love life and I happily roller coaster through life with a perennially optimistic view that life is beautiful.  
But all this idealism is lost because all I'm reduced to is a fun-loving Leonine who wills life to be just that.  
People see fun.  People see naughty.  People see wild.  People see fiery.  
End of the day, people see what they wanna see.
And that's fine.
Just because a lot of them see the same things doesn't mean they see the 'RIGHT' things.

People are so quick to judge me as one who thrives on the Pleasure Principle.  
And how!
Because I embrace movement, I love to run and dance.  (Ideally not at the same time.)
Because the thoughts in my head come too quick, conversations come with constant segues.
Because I love beauty, I love music and poetry and looking at children play in the park.
Because I believe friends should talk and not necessarily agree that my opinions come too quick.    
Because I believe in living in the moment, I laugh too damn loud and find laughter in the least expected places.
There is so much more to me than what you see.


Joie de vivre is what life and living should be about.


And my alter-ego is an antithesis of this laugh-out-loud individual but one I find no less laudable and loveable.  


And the little part of the big 'ol me is Sandrine, a shy librarian-ish/ geek who is naivete in a nutshell. ( I shat you not.)
People (exes included)are very put off by this quiet persona.
The one that likes to read, write and is fascinated with all things wordplay. 
People often associate silence with indifference.  
Can silence not just mean acceptance and agreement of whatever is in the moment?
Which makes me think how much noiser is in their head than they care to admit. (HA!) 
I do have a side that relishes privacy and solitude.  
It's not a side that people see when I'm out but it is a side to myself that thrives because I like it.
I'm very comfortable with myself and my beliefs to be bogged down by judgement.


I hope you do read this and find that it's okay to not be what society condones and accepts.
Because at the end of it all, what matters is not the safety in numbers.
It's the saneness and rationale of standing your own ground.
We don't live in a world the welcomes individuals.
But individuals thrive and they're very much alive and well.


So give them their due space.